Saturday, August 26, 2006

He’s No Schmoe, He’s Your Pastor

Earlier today, on the local listserv, Doug Wilson visited Memory Lane when someone asked him (through his latest nom de plume Joe Schmoe), “And how’s Edna?” The question, of course, refers to “Edna Wilmington,” one of the pseudonyms that Wilson pulled out of his hat during the “It’s Not About Slavery” flap.

Edna was quite the hoot; she gave us all a good laugh. She also gave Wilson plausible deniability because, as with Princesss Sushitushi, several of the Anselm pranksters posted in her name, giving each of them sufficient latitude to deny the direct question: “Are you Edna Wilmington?” “Ah, no I am not.” Talk about a jokester. Tricks like this prove that Doug really does have the anointing.

Anyway, Edna insisted she was a real person, though she always refused to meet people and she conveniently left the country when things got too close. So Cultists in Hats put our crack team of paparazzi on the Edna trail to see if we could catch her on film. Here is a small teaser of our portfolio; you can click on each photograph to see a larger sample of the image.

In this first photograph, our paparazzo caught Edna in the middle of a workout. We call it Edna the Thighmaster. Notice that she’s sporting a sharp pastel sweatshirt with bright white shorts, and she’s barefoot! You can tell by her stance that she’s practicing her dance steps, getting ready for the big windy. Don’t want to lose balance in front of all those future men.

This black-and-white classic is especially timely given the current controversy. That’s Francis Foucachon with his arm wrapped around Edna Wilmington, smiling at a two-way mirror, not knowing that we had a paparazzo hidden on the other side. Edna is wearing a lovely dress with a white lace collar, and she has the look of love in her eyes because she knows the Frenchman is loaded. That’s right — he’s rich — beaucoup rich, baby! Frankie, you can have the liver; pass Edna the wallet!

We call this one Edna the Prairie Muffin because she’s got that Little House on the Prairie look, with her apron jumper, darkly shaded in UPS brown, no hat. Unfortunately, the darling little lass with the blue head covering is another man’s daughter, and we confirmed that the child’s father did not give Edna permission to visit her. In fact he instructed Edna to leave his girl alone. But that didn’t stop Edna; nobody tells her what to do. Since then, the father left the Christ Church Cult.

This next shot is really quite tragic. That’s Edna, of course, wearing a snappy pullover, brown on rust, riding her little scooter. But the sad part is that she was crying hysterically; the entire (as in global) academic community had just shunned her because of her booklet Southern Slavery As It Was. The front-page headline was rather embarrassing; Edna cried for days — and then they discovered the plagiarism. Now that’s something to cry about.

And finally, this one’s our all-time fav because our paparazzi captured Edna Wilmington and Princesss Sushitushi in the same shot. Better yet, we caught them on the set of Gilligan’s Island, hobnobbing with the cast and yucking it up. We call it “Lovie Dovie” in honor of Mrs. Howell. If you look carefully, that’s Edna on the right, near Ginger, and the Princess is on the left, next to Maryanne. Look out, girls, ne touchez pas!

So there you have it, Douglas Wilson in all his glory. What a guy. He’s no Schmoe, he’s your pastor.