Wednesday, September 20, 2006

This Just In:

Hatwitness News has learned that Pastor Tim Bayly is under investigation by the IOC on suspicion of using banned performance-enhancing substances.

Eyebrows were raised after his breakaway performance in the 1000-M Ad Hom, but investigators didn’t become suspicious until his easy 30-second victory in the 3200-M biathlon, an event which combines simple rudeness with aggressive subjugation of women.

Bayly has declined to comment on the accusation, instead citing the desire to “Bite off the kneecaps” of several argumentative women of his acquaintance.

Witnesses say that they observed Bayly applying an unknown substance, and then activating it using a motion strikingly similar to pounding on his chest with alternate fists.

Bayly’s trainer suggested that the substance may have been applied without Bayly’s knowledge by a masseuse, “One of those feminist, rebellious, educated working women who took exception to the simple truths Tim exegetes so masterfully from Scripture. She set him up.”

A source close to the investigation, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the A samples contained a 5:1 bloviation/hypocrisy ratio, were much higher than the normal limit of 2.4:1. The results of the B sample testing are expected later this week, after which the investigative committee will present its findings to the disciplinary panel.

If found guilty of the violation, Bayly will likely receive one week with no dessert and an injunction to quit reading Doug Wilson books so close to bedtime.

Film at 11.

Boonie is the Site Reporter for Unchristian Affairs; Tim Bayly is out of his mind.